


Mutterseelenallein

by Emaisnialleraf



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, DO NOT kill tony stark, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Not Beta Read, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Rescue, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, The Raft Prison (Marvel), Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is alive, Tony says darling, i refuse to write a story about a dead tony stark, my depression causes me to torture my favorite characters, sue me, thaddeus ross is shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:47:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22728643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emaisnialleraf/pseuds/Emaisnialleraf
Summary: He was okay as the door opened across the spacious area, drawing a flinch from his limbs as he subconsciously pushed backwards across the floor. He was okay as silent tears dripped down the sides of his face as footsteps grew heavier the closer they got to his bars. Steve Rogers would be fine even as the key jammed into the lock and swung open the heavy door, new breathing filling his space as the lights flashed on and sent him into a world of pain. Each cry of pain was worth it, he knew his fate was sealed and as he was dragged toward the all too familiar room of  agony he let it happen.Things were fine.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 9
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have been rereading a lot of my old stories; finding what I can fix up and what I can post. Spring cleaning if you will. I came across this and before getting five pages in I decided to post what I had read so far. As I read along I will definitely keep posting more chapters, I just want to make sure I don't post too much if this story eventually went to shit, because truth be told I do not remember writing this so I am not sure when it ends or even if it ends. We will go through this together!
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> I appreciate you.

His fingers shook against the cement floor, trembles harsh and uncontrollable as he struggled to take in a breath. In his chest, both lungs rattled under pressure and he could not focus on a thought as he ran through his current predicament in his head.

The pain bled into his soul, mentally and physically, he had a hard time in the darkness and his senses were losing their control day by day. Almost half of his bones from toes to fingers had been bruised or broken in the past- however long it had been, and it was the current pain across his back that held him down. He could barely feel his fingers anymore, the shaking against his will, and leaning back against the wall only made it worse, so sitting up in the middle of the empty cell pulled his muscles like an arrow painfully awaiting a release.

Part of him knew he deserved this fate, sitting in silence for the rest of his life until the man came searching for answers, but a part of him knew there was so much more. All of the fighting he’s done took away the life he never got to live; the soldier never got to travel, to try foreign food and fly in a real plane. He never got to buy his own car or meet friends down in the city for coffee and it was meaningless, but it was everything. A part of him wanted to live a life without pausing for a war, without craving a war. His mind was circling around the idea of being so happy that he could go stretches at a time without picturing a bomb blowing up the current building around him.

However, this scenario? His story ended here. He was going to die here without a friend, without a family, without a second chance and there was no ice to preserve him. There was no chance of return, he knew no one was going to look for him at this point. Through the years there are only so many times you can keep fighting before finally accepting the fact that you have to move on.

Sam, Bucky, Tony.. they could live without Captain America; and they could damn well live without Steve Rogers causing battles left and right. Besides, the last thing he saw was the snapping of fingers and the gasps of pain, the sobs all around, there was no way the man he loved lived through that.

All the years of pouring his heart into the man he would never regret, but after the deemed Civil War of this generation took place, Tony never looked at him the same. The past five years may have been reversed, but the pain would never truly be washed clean. That's why the man sacrificed what he did, it's why his last view was of the debris of the Avengers compound surrounded by a team once so close.

But it was okay.

He could accept the loneliness, because chances are if he’s here, everyone else is pardoned. Without the lights he knew that no one else was locked away in this underground chamber, that he was the only one and it let him attempt to sleep at night. His suffering was saving lives and at the end of the day, that's what he needed. To be a good man, not a perfect soldier. Given, he wasn’t exactly a good man by any means, but he knows that some choices could clean a bit of red off his ledger. He would never be perfect, but he could atone for some sins he so clearly made the past few years. And he was okay with that.

He was okay as the door opened across the spacious area, drawing a flinch from his limbs as he subconsciously pushed backwards across the floor. He was okay as silent tears dripped down the sides of his face as footsteps grew heavier the closer they got to his bars. Steve Rogers would be fine even as the key jammed into the lock and swung open the heavy door, new breathing filling his space as the lights flashed on and sent him into a world of pain. Each cry of pain was worth it, he knew his fate was sealed and as he was dragged toward the all too familiar room of agony he let it happen.

Things were fine.

He doesn’t think he has a voice any more. After the last testing on his spine he couldn’t find himself to make any whimpers of pain. They must have noticed, they actually asked him a question before jotting down something on a clipboard and repeating the question. At first he was going to ignore them, as he did since he arrived, but prying his lips open left disappointment as he fell limp against the table. They didn’t give any diagnoses, didn’t make fun of him or yell at him to try again, they just knocked him out with a blow to the head and he woke up with his mouth sore. They must have tested his airways, or even his chest in general because everything felt out of place and he couldn’t eat his weekly meal.

But it was fine, because they never fed him enough anyway and the rice wasn’t fully cooked regardless. His water seemed to do nothing to soothe the dryness of his throat so he gave up chugging it for the moment and as he was sprawled across his cold floor he took in all his surroundings. The disappearing feet, the shutting down air, the lowering of the prison into the waves, it was soothing because he felt his will coming to an end. Soon it would end and he would go home with his ma and his old team. He’d introduce Peggy and Tony and they would laugh about how stupid he was before hugging him and welcoming him to the beyond.

So things would work out, he knew they would.

“Rise and shine, Rogers.”

The familiar voice should have shook him to his core, but the flashing bright lights distracted him and he couldn’t see the face behind his viscously shaking fingers. They protected his eyes from the unfamiliar brightness and as an arm hooked around his biceps he let loose a silent shudder of discomfort.

“We’re getting you some fresh air today, enjoy it because it might be your last.”

There was a dark chuckle, but he paid it no mind as he shuffled uncoordinatedly through the halls. Getting up a few steps were difficult, but the smell of the ocean almost brought tears to his eyes. Although he was too dehydrated for that and the swelling behind his eyelids brought him pain. Rather he let himself take in a breath deep enough to hurt and listened to the crashing waves with longing for the beach. He saw flashes of Coney Island, of Malibu where Tony raced him across the pool, of Peggy watching him train at Camp Leigh despite the need to be elsewhere. Birds were screaming and wind was heavy and he fell limp, partly because of the experience, but mainly because his legs gave out and he had no strength to hold himself up. But, it was okay. He knew it was okay, these were his last days.

Sirens hurt his ears, he held his body tight against the corner of his cell and shook his head in the lack of comfort. The raft was probably going under the waves for the last time. Ross had packed up and left a few days ago, watching Steve with eyes that couldn’t be read. It was intimidating at first, but by the time he walked away the captain could let himself be relieved at the fact that he wasn’t dragged from the cell. Actually, he hadn’t left the cell in a while now that he thought about it. His last testing must have been a while ago because the pain was gone and usually he was never without an ache or a bruise the serum once healed upon impact. It was a really nice feeling and almost brought a sense of emotion through his veins, but he couldn’t really feel anything anymore; besides the physical pain.

There was a bit of yelling before a light flashed across the room and at first he thought the lights were coming on so he hid his face, but through the motion he saw a soft blue and grew a bit confused. It was the first time he wasn’t blinded and as the flash made itself closer the voice seemed to get a bit louder. It wasn’t an angry shout or an order, it was almost worried. He watched it hit every empty cell around him before landing on him and he had to close his eyes as it sat vibrantly against him for a bit too long. He almost thought it was stuck, it barely flinched from its sight and before he could reach out to see if it was his last one it dropped to the ground. The crash shook him from his stupor and as the bars began to slide open he shot back from the commotion. The guards never came in the dark, they still thought that he could take them out despite his pain. Also, each step toward him was uneven, rushed and unclear as a hand wrapped too tightly around his bicep. Of course he winced, but it was then again silent and his face must have expressed his pain as he was tugged into some kind of cold material.

Metal?

Whatever it was, it hummed drastically under his ear as a hand began racing across his skin. Flinching a couple times in displeasure he let himself be maneuvered as the far away voice grew louder. It was almost screaming, but his ears really hurt and have been acting funny for the past couple days anyway. So he was fine-

“-ound him- oh god- end hel-”

It was so distant. Grasping the sound took a lot of focus and it wasn’t until his body left the ground that he heard a clear tone.

“-things wrong! Theres no response, he isn’t even reacting to his name!”

God, that tone was so familiar.. That voice burned emotion into his stomach and for a second he couldn’t fathom any other emotion rather than true peace. It honestly wasn't even registering in his mind until his face rubbed against another's skin and a sob smeared across the small space. The cry knocked a superheroes face into his mind, standing in a penthouse with a ring in his hand, staring up at him as if he hung every star in the sky.

_I_ _love you so much, darling._

_If you could be mine i’d do everything I could to protect you- not that I don’t already you oversized toddler.._

_I just can’t live this life without you._

Jesus christ.

He felt his chest growing tighter, lungs intertwining against his will as his hands began to twitch. His eyes burning at the first ball of emotion and he weakly shook his head as he was pulled deeper into a chest. He wanted to scream, he wanted to call out until he lost his voice again, but most of all he just wanted to see the man’s face. All he wanted in these last moments was to see his husband and he couldn’t even say the man’s name. His mouth fought against his awareness and he wanted to sob and scream and beg; He needed to say something and promise something, to apologize with everything in him- but he couldn’t. And that killed him. It was enough to bring him to his knees and within seconds he was just about there.

The suit under his fingers was so cold, it soothed the burning of his joints and the beard scraping against his temple grew into comfort for the first time in years. Relief flooded into his veins and for once hope dared push against his conscience. His swollen, crushed fingers rose until they found solace around the familiar neck and tightened as much as they could. Damp cheeks pushed into the hold and his gasps made no sounds as they fought to escape.

Tony.

“Steve?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “As if I don’t know that, you know how many times I've tried? He likes the stupid stuff,” he turned back toward the soldier lying across the bed, “like Sweetheart, Darling, love.. Don’t you, hon?”  
>  He had never felt so elated, body heavy in the sheets as he let the stress fall right off his shoulders. This was the best moment of his life, he felt so alive and he only wished he could join the conversation to tell them he did love darling. And sweetheart and everything Tony spent his time coming up with.

His body was jostled around- not painfully, but enough to wake him up from his unexpected passing out. There was something wrapped around his eyes, soft and gentle as something latched onto his batting hands and brought them back down to the surface. He heard millions of voices and found it difficult to focus on a single one, but something heavy pulled away from his ears and everything settled down. 

“Steve?”

Bucky. 

“Pal, can you hear me?”

His body shook, almost enough to move mountains and within seconds there was a hand pressing against his shoulder cautiously. 

“Hey, we found you. We found you, Stevie!”

He opened his mouth to speak, pleading for something, but nothing came out and the devastation was harsh. In the darkness his tears didn’t stop, pooling in the material hiding them as another hand fell into his. 

“You gotta breathe, hey, listen to me! Pal, you’re gonna be okay. We are figuring this out, we’re gonna get you home and find out what happened-”  
“Is he awake?”

The feeling of a sob exploded in his chest, his other hand flinging itself across the room as he clutched even tighter to Bucky. In reality he knew there was no pressure, but Bucky only held him tighter as a new hand found its way into his empty one. 

“Shh, I'm here. I am right here, Sweetheart, you’re safe.”

Lips pressed against his cheeks, fingers running through his hair and the tangles were excruciating, but he didn’t want it to stop. Now that there was a sliver of hope he was terrified to lose it and he could feel himself on the edge of everything coming to a stop.

Tony. 

Tony. 

Bucky-

“We are right here, doll. We are here, it’s real. We aren’t going anywhere, alright?”

He still couldn’t see it.

“Shh, there you go. Easy, easy, easy. That’s it.”

Waking up was petrifying. When he woke up he could actually open his eyes and the first thing he saw was a tv. He must have been on something because he wanted to laugh, but the voice to his left had him questioning everything. 

“We have to leave the glasses on, they are gonna help you see without your eyes hurting.”

The sight of the man threw him into an ocean of relief, dragging him out of the hell he’s been in and things were finally not okay. His entire existence was finally falling into shambles and the sight of Bucky behind him had him falling heavily into the sheets. Tony was in tears himself, but quickly readjusted his neck before the bed began moving upward. 

“Darling, you can focus on me?”

Tightening his hand wasn’t painful, he knew he was on drugs, but it was difficult. The small saddened flip of Tony’s lips was a sign that the pressure didn’t exist and he couldn’t even feel the fact. 

“That's it, I am so proud of you- Sweetheart, you are finally home.”

The first sob broke, and he wished it was him. But it was Tony and that was okay because he missed everything about Tony. He missed his crying, his laughing, his smile; He missed his hands and his hair, his beard and his suit. Steve missed his breathing and his heart beat along with his sweaters and his music. 

Bucky sat on the edge of the bed, next to his waist and helped him lay gently on his side. He fixed the sheets and let his hand rest on his sunken in hip as his thumb trailed across the warming skin. 

“You in any pain, doll?”

He couldn’t respond, his body was too exhausted, but he thinks they knew that because the question was ignored, more the lack of an answer, and Tony stood to wrap himself around the man’s upper half. There was barely any contact at all, but the warmth was soothing enough and he curled into it as much as he could before closing his eyes. He let himself listen to the cries with desire for more and fought to stay awake as long as his body would allow.

“Can you hear me, baby?”

There was a mask on his face the next time he woke up and his arms were too heavy for him to lift to remove it. The presence of the glasses were still there and he felt needles all over his skin. His finger was pinched between plastic and before he could focus on anything stronger there was a hand against his cheek. 

“Steve?”

Turning his gaze he fell into the soft brown, wishing he could summon a smile for all the emotions he finally began to feel. 

“Hey, good morning.”

He would give anything to say it back.

“You in any pain, Sweetheart?”

He wondered where his own wedding ring was.

The head aside him tilted softly, gazing at him softly with a small smile curling across his lips. 

“That’s okay, you shouldn’t feel anything.”

The free hand ran through his bangs, not drawing out the familiar sting causing him to sigh gently.

“I got some of the best shit you’ve ever seen, got the tangles out with barely any cutting at all. I know you would hate me if you woke up without any hair.”

Chuckles melted him to the floor, a sound he swore just days- weeks? Ago that he would never hear again.

“I am actually going to bring you some clothes, maybe that brown sweater you always tried to steal from me. This gown, as skimpy as it is, which you know I love skimpy on you, is getting a bit out of style.”

“You already talking filthy, Stark?”

“Only a little, besides, you know he’s thinking it too.”

“Sure. Punk, you sure know how to pick ‘em.”

The sniper fell into a chair, eyes darting around at all the equipment before his facade fell just enough to see through. 

“I think I actually picked him. Once I decided he had no choice. Matter of fact, I think I am the one who did most of the proposing, date-asking, and sexual favors if I remember correctly.”  
“God, Stark.”

The hand in his twitched with laughter, following itself with a beep chirping loudly behind the bed. Both men flinched, eyes going wide as the genius stood up from his seat. 

“Steve? Darling, can you hear me?”

Of course he could. 

“Hey, Steve, baby focus on me-”

“Tony-”  
Another beep, drawing smiles from the older of the two as he got even closer. 

“I knew you would come back to me. I knew it- Why am I paying these doctors to tell me shit I know, its a load of-”

“How about we not cuss like sailors during his first visit.”

Tony scoffed, sitting on the edge of the bed close enough to where his hip pressed against Steve’s rib cage. He hovered over him with hope glossing over his eyes and lips dropping against his forehead. 

“I think that's his favorite thing about me, right, babe?”

“He hated when you called him babe.”

“I guess you’re right. He liked daddy-”

“For the love of god-”  
“Listen, prude-” 

“Steve is the last person to bring that up in the bedroom.”

“As if I don’t know that, you know how many times I've tried? He likes the stupid stuff,” he turned back toward the soldier lying across the bed, “like Sweetheart, Darling, love.. Don’t you, hon?”  
He had never felt so elated, body heavy in the sheets as he let the stress fall right off his shoulders. This was the best moment of his life, he felt so alive and he only wished he could join the conversation to tell them he did love darling. And sweetheart and everything Tony spent his time coming up with. He remembered when the man called him Pumpkin the entire week of Halloween and it filled him sweeter than a basket of candy. 

“See? He gets it,” the man pulled the sheet up a little higher toward his chin, covering his chest completely with one hand, “and he gets me. If only everyone understood me like you do.”

“You disgust me, Stark.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t give me those puppy eyes, Punk, You are gonna get it back, I promise. I’ll even put it on the counter, see?”  
>  He watched the man fold it neatly on the counter top, safe and sound as he was leaned back into the seat. The sob in his chest was still growing and it wasn’t until a cloth smothered his cheek that he noticed he was crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really short chapter; I just thought it was better short and alone than forced into a chapter where it didn't feel right.

They talked until Steve fell asleep, or until the medication took him, but he thinks it was exhaustion because otherwise he wouldn’t have woken up through nightmares. The loud beeping grew the pounding in his head and it wasn’t until Tony pulled him from the bed up into his arms that he calmed down. In this daze he thought he was screaming, but he wasn’t even close and the only sounds aside from the machines were the shushing from the older man. 

“I know, I got you, baby, I know.”

The body behind him was protective, almost magnetic to his side, causing him to feel more safe than he had since he woke. 

“You’re safe, me and Bucky are right here, watching over you. Nothing is happening, just a nightmare.” 

A grunt escaped his lips, causing him to tense, unnoticed by the man still speaking in his ear. He tried following it, a small whimper expanding in his lungs and next thing he knew he gasped out a soft cry echoing around the room. 

“The doctor said your throat is healing, they did a bit of work and said it’s nothing permanent.”  
Bucky was still wrapped around his back, arms around his middle as Tony held his head gently in his lap. He wanted to say the billionaire sat himself against the headboard for hours and Steve knew it couldn’t have been comfortable. 

“Right as rain, Stevie.”

The mumble was gentle against his neck. 

“We just have to find a cure for this russian attached to your back.”

“I’m not russian, Stark.”

He grabbed Tony’s wrist almost three weeks into the hospital stay and the shock shunned everyone into silence. The man had cleaned out his feeding tube and when the nurse walked in he panicked. It was his first time seeing a stranger since the prison cell and the thought of going back shot him into action. Tony said he was just going to the fridge under the tv to grab a water, so Steve could try drinking again, and before he could let go of the bed Steve had moved. 

It was an instant reaction and by the time he was back in the blonds face the grip only tightened.

“You’re gonna break my wrist soon if you’re already jumping around the bed, Sweetheart.”

He tried to speak, but his lips wouldn’t even move under pressure.

“We can try the water later.”

Tony had him in the sweater and the smell alone made him promise to never take it off. It was a brown stitched ball of comfort wrapped around him without a single reason to be taken off and even as he was laid into the bathtub he weakly batted away the reaching hands. 

“Gentle, darling. This is the first bath and if I drop you they won’t let me do it again.”

He laid Steve against the seat as Bucky once again reached for the clothing, frowning lightly as Tony stopped the water.

“Pal, you can’t get this sweater wet, you know that. We can put it back on after.”

Tony didn’t even bother speaking, pulling the weak body up and forward until he was rested against the familiar shoulder. 

“Let Barnes get it off, I had Sam bring you a green one from my closet.”

With a heavy pout he tried to refuse, heart beginning to race as his arms were angled against his will. 

“Don’t give me those puppy eyes, Punk, You are gonna get it back, I promise. I’ll even put it on the counter, see?”  
He watched the man fold it neatly on the counter top, safe and sound as he was leaned back into the seat. The sob in his chest was still growing and it wasn’t until a cloth smothered his cheek that he noticed he was crying. 

“Shh, sweetheart, everythings okay.”

Bucky sighed, coming closer and pressing a soft kiss against his temple. 

“I know things are tough, we are gonna work through them, pal.”

“Hand me that bottle of soap.”

The scent was calming and as the hands scrubbed him clean he felt his stress soothing back down. Tony was too focused on the wash that he only had himself to turn to, closing his eyes and falling back into the seat. He hadn’t even realized he was moving forward and upon further notice he saw he was holding onto his husbands elbow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tony, I think you just need to get some rest. You might feel better with a clear mind and then we can decide which path to take here-”  
>  “I’m sorry, was I tortured on the raft for fourteen months?”
> 
> “Tony..”  
>  “No. The answer is no and I can’t rest until I know he is taken care of.”  
>  “He just needs you. And me. Everything else will work itself out, we just need to be patient.”
> 
> “You have obviously never been in this position and I pity you.”

The first thing he was going to say was thank you to Tony for bringing a thicker blanket. It was the quilt that Pepper got as a christmas gift all those years ago and he forgot how weighted and warm it was until this moment. As it was tucked around him he took time to focus on the man doing it, Tony’s eyes tired and wrinkled in stress as he mumbled a song under his breath. 

Steve tried tugging him closer, but with a sigh of resistance he shook his head and sat back down. 

“I have to go talk to the doctor about a few things and I don’t want to wake you by getting up in a few minutes.”

The man looked upset at the fact, but he was always in the room when Steve woke up and for that he couldn’t exactly blame him. Bucky was usually in here too, but for the second time he was missing from the formation as the time Steve was going through his therapy. He hated it, almost too much, and struggled through everything they forced him to do. Tony tried to help, but every shift of his muscles ached and he ended up being sore for days. 

“I am so proud of you, Darling. You know that, right? You are doing so well.”

The kiss against his forehead was expected, basically routine and he melted into it as Tony shifted to look at his watch. 

“Your sleep schedule is disgustingly out of place. If you wake me up at midnight again tonight I might divorce you.”

He had a hard time figuring out what time was when, he kind of wished he had a clock in the room, but until then he couldn’t really distort when he was supposed to be awake. 

Tony.

Tony.

Tony.

He was still soundless.

“I can’t handle this right now, okay? I need to get with his doctor and hopefully fix this medication they have him on. He’s not sleeping and he’s obviously exhausted. I also have to up his PT because this nurse has begun cutting our hour shorter as if we are a dent in her time. I’m not paying these people to brush us off, especially when its Steve fucking Rogers that they are messing with!”  
“Tony, I think you just need to get some rest. You might feel better with a clear mind and then we can decide which path to take here-”  
“I’m sorry, was I tortured on the raft for fourteen months?”

“Tony..”  
“No. The answer is no and I can’t rest until I know he is taken care of.”  
“He just needs you. And me. Everything else will work itself out, we just need to be patient.”

“You have obviously never been in this position and I pity you.”

“Get on your bed, Stark.”

He would die before he went back. It was a thought he had every time he laid his eyes on the man sitting next to his bed. Currently the man was on his phone, typing away as if there was no tomorrow and the sounds were so soothing to listen to. Each bubble popped when his thumb hit the keyboard and if Steve closed his eyes he could picture himself lying on the couch as the man worked away in his workshop. 

“Steve? Can you try to focus on me real quick? The doctor is going to be here any second and I need you to-”

“No.”

Why is he keep dragging on about this visit? Steve hated the doctor and this room and this beeping by his head- Why didn’t Tony understand that he just wanted to go home? He was tired of being locked up in rooms and cells every day.

He expected a response to the silence. 

Opening his eyes he turned his head, freezing at the shock written across the man's face. Part of him was scared, what was going on, but another part just stared back and waited patiently for him to get his discovery out. He must of read something on his phone and-

“What?”

Crossing his eyebrows he took in the words with confusion, silently asking the man what was going on. Even as the phone dropped to the ground and the man was hovering over him he had yet to figure out what was happening.

“Steve, you- Jesus-”

His hands ran through his hair, walking toward the door and appearing a second later with a confused Bucky in tow.

His eyes trained on his own blues, staring intensely as he pointed at the soldier. 

“Do it again.”

He was almost nervous at what was going on, retreating back into his own head as his friend sat on the mattress and dropped his shoulders. 

“What's going on?”

“Tony?”

The blue eyes went wide. 

He too stared at the man in shock as he jumped off the bed as if it was on fire. Steve could only breathe in sharply, trying to figure out what was going on as his gaze darted between the two. 

“Steve-”

“Baby, you just spoke.”

The two spoke at the same time, causing the man in the bed to shake his head in refusal. No he didn’t. He can’t- he can’t get the words out and he knows because he's tried countless times. Recently it had not been as much, he’s getting frustrated at the lack of progress, but it was getting there. He had his best friends by his side and he wasn’t alone anymore. He also has been healing in other areas as well.

The glasses have been gone for a week or so now, his baths have been under a little more of his control. He’s been interacting with the two more since his hands have stopped shaking and his head isn’t as clouded. 

He just hasn’t attempted to walk yet, or speak, and the nightmares have lessened a considerable amount. 

“Steven Stark you fucking told me no as your first word!”

The smile on his face was wide, Bucky’s almost identical as he ran a hand across his chest. 

“You’re making progress, punk!”

He still shook his head, trying to catch their attention because he was just thinking. None of the words actually escaped, he knew that because they never responded like this. They-

His eyes went wide. 

He told Tony no.

He called Tony’s name. 

Tony.

Oh no.

Dread filled his stomach, face paling as he realized what this meant. 

They were going to ask him questions. 

He would-

Ross was going to come after him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Good morning, Mr. Rogers-”
> 
> “Stark-”
> 
> “Tony-”  
> All the names clashed at once, easing a bit of the tension as the two heroes began bickering to his right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't remember writing any of this; guys I am really into this story!  
> Please let me know if you like it, however I want you to keep in mind I am NOT a doctor so as we continue to read let's ignore all the medical advice that it probably not true. 
> 
> Leave comments below telling me what you think!

The idea of him telling them what happened on the raft shut him up and he weakly tried forcing himself away as a sob built up his throat.

“Hey- Steve, what's wrong? Steve?”  
Hands rolled him back over, a harsh sob staggering up his throat as he shook his head and began to panic. 

He wasn’t telling them anything!

No. They didn’t need to know. It was pretty obvious what happened when he was covered in bruises, bones sticking out too far for a regular human’s body to do so. They found him in a darkness so hidden that it took almost two years to find it. He was not okay. 

They were not okay and he refused to say anything to bring the enemy back.

“Hey! You gotta breathe, baby. Just like we practiced, focus on me, in-”

He was sat up quickly, Buck holding him in place as Tony grabbed both sides of his face. 

“Tell me what happened. What happened, Steve?”  
Shaking his head he struggled with gasps, telling himself he should be happy he’s crying. He is sobbing and screaming and things are finally making sense! 

“Okay, come here.”

Tony was on the bed, sitting in front of him as he pulled Steve’s face into his own shoulder. 

“Easy, there you go. Get it all out, there we are.”

A hand was patting up and down his back, choking up hiccups. 

“Alright, back a little more.”

The bed met him halfway, holding him up as four hands found their way onto this skin. 

“You wanna talk about it?”

He shook his head, letting his tears be wiped away as he fought for breath. 

“I think you should take advantage of this while you can. About who had-”  
“No. Barnes its too early, don’t start any of that now. Baby, you don’t have to talk about it. But, let's talk.”  
He shook his head again, wildly. 

“What flavor of jello do you want tonight?”

The question was simple. It almost made him want to answer, but he refused. 

“I always pick, how about you choose one. Okay?”  
The eyes locked in on his, staring with no expectancy of an answer. 

“We’ll do this one step at a time.”

It took a few minutes, his breathing back down to safe levels as he still stared at the man ahead. 

“What flavor jello do you want?”

He never even eats it.

“Green.”

There was no smile, there was no gasp. Tony stayed completely solid as he nodded back in response.

“Okay. Great job, darling. What about the sweater?”

He shot a look down at the blue one he had on.

“What color sweater do you want after your bath tomorrow?”

No.

“I need an answer, hon. I’ll have them buy you a pink one with rainbows. You probably fit in teen clothes at this point.”

“Stark-”  
“White.”

The man behind him tensed, lying his head forward until his forehead was pressed against the man’s neck.

“There. All done.”

His hands shot up in evidence, holding the tension in the air for a second before tossing it out the window. 

“Now, about your doctor. We are going to work on your new therapy today, remember?”

No.

“They want to start working on eating real food, no more G tube.”

He didn’t want that.

“We have been pushing it off, but I really think this is a good time to start.”  
The fingers reached toward him, brushing through his bangs that were growing a bit lower on his scalp. 

No.

It was dreadful as he watched the doctor walk in, a nurse behind him pushing a small cart he had yet to see the contents of. For the first time his room was crowded with people and he was conscious enough to notice the fact. He didn’t like it at all. 

“Good morning, Mr. Rogers-”

“Stark-”

“Tony-”  
All the names clashed at once, easing a bit of the tension as the two heroes began bickering to his right. They had to move sides for the time being and it wasn’t his natural side so it was a bit overwhelming to have to lean that way. 

“Steve,” he flicked his eyes toward the other two in permission to continue, “we are going to start eating today. You have no reason to be nervous, we are just starting on something simple. You shouldn’t be overworked or overwhelmed, this is just about seeing where we are at.”

His stomach felt heavy already, he knew he wasn’t ready, but the hand in his squeezed reality into him and he quickly took a deep breath. 

“Alright, we don’t want to start too heavy, alright? I have a formula here for you, kind of like a smoothie.”

They didn’t like him using a straw so Tony helped guide the cup, having Steve tap his fingers when he’s had enough. The substance was cold, it felt nice and soothed a bit of the dryness in his throat. Tony and Bucky had pushed him into ice cubes, however the flavor was the first time he’s tasted anything in what felt like a lifetime. 

“How’s it tasting?”

Tapping quickly, the cup was pulled away, taking the suffocating feeling along with it. The cup was dropped on the counter and he gagged just enough to bring emotion to his eyes. 

“You’re alright, just work through it, baby. It’s going to get a bit tough at first, but nothing painful, I promise.”

A metal arm ran up and down his forearm, gentle in touch and enough to calm him down a bit. 

“There we go, let’s try another.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you think you’re going back?”
> 
> Under the weight of a new person, the mattress dipped, arms bracing themselves around him as the familiar face dove around the corner. He stared at Steve with such love, such protection and it was then that Steve knew he figured it out. 
> 
> “I would never let that happen.”
> 
> The weight of him over his side held him down, comfortably enough to let him fall limp into the bed.

The water was warm, a huge transition from the drink which was a major difference he thought about. Each different texture, from sweaters and needles, to different temperatures, smoothies to water, to even different smells, Tony’s cologne and the pungent medication. Opposites are more anchoring and lying against the seat he coughed out a bit of the remaining taste. 

“You alright?”

Allowing himself a quick nod he turned to the new sweater sitting on the counter, using it as motivation as a cloth was stuffed into his hand. 

“Good, ready to clean?”  
Tony had been making him start working on things himself, not long, but enough to work on with clear progress. Last time he took a bath he scrubbed some of his fingers before Tony took over, this time he aimed for his wrist and worked his way up painfully slow. It was barely anything, but his husband's sparkling eyes gave him enough strength to force himself from action to action. He felt like he was doing something and by the time he had the rag taken from him he looked at the genius in expectance. 

And the kiss pressed against his forehead. 

“Phenomenal job, darling. We’ll work on handys next.”

The chuckle in his throat erupted, gentle yet the loudest sound he’s made and he watched the man quickly collect his shock. 

“That's what gets you to laugh? Really? Babe, you only seem to want to talk when you’re feeling sassy.”

The smile was so wide, it grew his a couple sizes and a couple splashes later brought Bucky into the room. 

“What's going on?”  
“Steves pressuring me into sexual actions, I don’t know what’s in that smoothie, but he’s creeping me out.”

With a wink he drew another laugh from Steve, reaching for the shampoo while vibrating with joy. 

“You are doing so much better, punk.”  
Buck took over a lot of the physical therapy, Tony was usually still here, but recently he had been in an out with something business related. Given it was only during PT, so an hour every couple days, but it was enough to give Bucky some time alone with him. He found himself beginning to move a lot more, they wanted him to start sitting up and walking soon, but that terrified him. The moment he became independent he would be left alone and people could sneak in corners. They could linger around the shadows and strike the moment no one was paying attention, so he was fine like this. At least until they became annoyed with him, when they would threaten to leave he would pace himself.

“Alright, deep breath in.”

The arms clutched to his limbs, stretching them out as he did as told and stared up at the ceiling. 

“You good?”

He didn’t respond, trying to ignore the pull of muscle as he struggled to take in another deep breath. The nurse was dropping in comments, telling him what he was doing right versus wrong and he knew he should be taking it more seriously, however he just couldn’t move forward knowing what was out there. Waiting for him. 

“Alright,” Tony pulled away the cup, tossing it on the counter behind him before handing the blond a cloth. Steve wiped his face quickly, turning away and curling up toward the window.

“What’s been up with you, love?”

Biting his lip he held back a response, still not speaking nearly as much as he should. 

“Somethings going on,” fingers ran through his hair behind him, “and I am trying to figure it out on my own here. But, only you can tell me what you need, so let me in.”

Shaking his head he refused, bundling in the sweater that still wrapped loosely around him. 

“I love you, I am here for you, you just have to let me help.”

“No.”

“Steve..”

“I can’t.”

“Is it the hospital? Do you want to go somewhere new?”  
No.

“Do you want to see the team? I can get them in here if you want me to.”

No. 

He couldn’t face his team, not like this.

“Are you scared of going back?”

The air left the room, taking his breath with it and the way he froze must have alerted Tony against his own decision. 

“Do you think you’re going back?”

Under the weight of a new person, the mattress dipped, arms bracing themselves around him as the familiar face dove around the corner. He stared at Steve with such love, such protection and it was then that Steve knew he figured it out. 

“I would never let that happen.”

The weight of him over his side held him down, comfortably enough to let him fall limp into the bed. 

“If I-”

“If you what?”  
“If I get better,” his throat was burning under the pressure, “then i’ll be alone. They can find me.”

“Trust me when I say I am never leaving your side. You’re gonna have to literally pry yourself out of my hands before I even consider letting you go anywhere alone.”

“Promise?”  
His answer was an eskimo kiss, noses smothered together causing him to let out a breath of relief. 

“But, Sweetheart. We can’t live here forever. You have to work with me, with Barnes and the doctor. You have to eat, sit up, walk, all the good stuff. You- no. Steve, you have to. It's not healthy and you’re hurting only yourself by letting your body fall away.”

“I don’t want to.”  
“I know, it’s terrifying, I went through very similar things, but you have all these people on your side and you have to trust us.”  
“I need you.”   
“I love you too.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No!”  
>  “Darling, look at me. Look!”
> 
> A hand turned his face, locking their gazes just long enough to press their foreheads together. His vision was growing blurred and he gasped out a few breaths as the man continued to speak. 
> 
> “You have to trust me. I love you- No, don’t turn away- I love you, Steve. I love you .”  
>  He tried pulling from the hold, fighting with as much strength as he could muster, but it wasn’t much as soon he was staring right back into those eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are so short and I apologize!  
> I just like prereading them before posting and at pieces at a time it makes it a little easier to scan through without losing my space and having to go backward into the story; backtracking can be tough!
> 
> But stick with me!  
> I appreciate you guys!

“Alright, we are gonna take a walk ,are you ready?”

Looking up from his hold on the bars he just about took a step back, Tony standing there with a grin as he took in the sight before him. 

“You’ll be fine! It’s time for lunch anyway. Come on.”

Finding his balance he let go of the railing, taking a few tentative steps before exiting the small walkway.

“Tony..”

“You got this!”

The confidence in his voice was promising, leading his next few steps toward the man who kept stepping backward. Steve only frowned, walking a bit steadier and a second quicker only for the man to continue his teasing actions. 

“Tony..!”

“Fine, come here.”  
Holding out his arms he smiled a bit too wide, breaking out in chuckles as Steve got just close enough to touch, but was once again duped. 

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry, give me a hug.”  
The words warmed his stomach, finally wrapping his arms around the man’s waist and tugging him into his arms. 

“I am so proud of you.”

The cafeteria was empty when they stepped inside, Steve found himself exhausted and a bit dizzy from the elevator, so they sat at the nearest table to the door. Tony sat across from him, holding his pulse under his fingers and looked around before sighing. 

“You’re going to see a new therapist today.”

He looked up at him in question. 

“I think you are doing so well in PT, your health, even your simple tasks on your chart.”  
But..

“But, I think you need to talk. Yes in general, but also about what happened.”

Flinching, he quickly pulled back his hand, staring at the other in betrayal at the words spoken. 

“Listen, hear me and what I'm saying. You are doing good in some areas, yes? But, the weight of everything else is going to catch up and before that happens you have to get some things out of your head.”

“No.”  
“I’m afraid you don’t have a choice here, Steve.”

“Yes.”

“Remember when I said I was going to take care of you? That's on everything, even the stuff you won’t like. This is something you have to do.”

“No.”  
He pushed himself up from the table, stumbling for a second, but denying the help reaching out. 

“Steve, sit down.”

He ignored him, turning to the door only for new hands to tug him harshly back into his seat. 

“Sit down.”

“No!”  
“Darling, look at me. Look!”

A hand turned his face, locking their gazes just long enough to press their foreheads together. His vision was growing blurred and he gasped out a few breaths as the man continued to speak. 

“You have to trust me. I love you- No, don’t turn away- I love you, Steve. I love you .”  
He tried pulling from the hold, fighting with as much strength as he could muster, but it wasn’t much as soon he was staring right back into those eyes. 

“I will be by your side every step of the way, you don’t have to give every detail, but I can’t let you bottle it as much as you are now. I haven’t heard a single thing about that raft and you were there for over a year. I know it's terrifying, but they aren’t coming back-”

“Yes he is!”  
The terror was pouring into him, voice trembling in fear as Ross’ face pictured itself in his mind. 

“He? Baby, who is he?”

“I can’t-”

“Is it someone here?”

“No!”

“Steve, hey, you have to tell me. I can't protect you without knowing who it is-”

“No!”  
He repeated the word over and over, falling into the chest before him and letting himself break. There was no way he could tell Tony, he couldn’t let the man handle it alone. Not until he was strong enough to go with him. 

“Theres a bug. It was hydra, but he said he and I know that means someone was there we don’t know about. They said that raft was shut down after the whole incident with- No. Barnes we have to figure this out!”

Tony was on the phone for what seemed like forever. He could hear bits of the conversation, but he had to respect the privacy Tony was taking by stepping outside.The smoothie was an actual smoothie today, with yogurt and fruit that tasted filling. 

Bucky had been gone for three days now, they had a few things they had to do at the compound and needed someone in charge. Apparently Tony and Buck were taking over everything while Steve was gone and it made the blond relieved to see.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know that Hydra does things like this to hurt others, not because they are doing the right thing by getting back at bad people. They are not the law, they don’t have authority. Especially not over you.”
> 
> It was okay.
> 
> The hand trailing his finally caught up, holding tightly to his fingers as they shook viciously underneath.
> 
> He was done.

Therapy was something he hated. 

Three sessions in and he didn’t speak. Refusal was hot in his veins and even Tony was growing frustrated, even if he didn’t voice it. His therapist was annoying, she kept asking him questions they all knew he wouldn’t answer. There was no point seeing as the situation had already passed. 

Besides, what did they want to hear? That he accepted his fate to die? That they experimented on him and beat the shit out of him until he couldn’t stay awake longer than minutes at a time? What was the point and who was the therapy for? He knew what happened, he was aware of what went on, who really felt the need to dig into the past?

“Steve, just answer the question.”

Staring toward the window he refused, fingers tightening in the quilt without an ounce of guilt. He told them he didn’t want to do this. 

“He’s alright, Mr. Stark. Some patients just need more time.”

He didn’t need more time.

“Three sessions of nothing?”  
“I have worked with many patients, none the same, not even close. Each situation hits someone differently and if he’s not ready to share right now it’s okay.”

His fifth session. 

It was how long it took for the billionaire to finally crack. 

The tapping of his foot against the bed stopped, chair screeching against the ground as he shot up and stormed from the room. Steve tried to feel anything other than relieved, but he couldn’t bring it upon himself and didn’t bother watching the man go. 

“Steve, what day is today?”

The question threw him for a loop, his eyes floating up to the ceiling in thought. 

Friday?

“Today is Sunday, October twentieth of two-thousand twenty.” 

His stomach dropped a little at the information, had it really been that long?

“You were held in the raft prison for four-hundred and fifty-four days. On top of that you have been in this hospital for almost two months.”  
She dropped her clipboard on her lap, folding her hands and staring into his direction. 

“Steve, I think you are scared to leave this hospital and get back into your normal life, you know why? Because the world has changed. We reversed, we moved forward, and now you have been through a trauma no one can easily come back from. You are scared of the past, but you have yet to realize how different things could be.”

She knew nothing.

“You spending the rest of your life here may seem great, no responsibility that you could mess up, no enemies getting past your team to get to you, even surrounded by everyone you hold dear, but eventually the world has to move forward and if you aren’t moving with it you will be left behind. Tony and Bucky have to move on eventually, and they are desperate to bring you with them, there is nothing they want more than that. But, if you don’t try, their choices become limited. I’m not saying this to tell you to get out now, you still have a lot of things to get through, however eventually you will want to live and if you wait too long, it may be too late to start.”

No.

She knew nothing.

“So, my session for the day is over, but I want you to think about your options. This scenario we are in every day, or a house by the water living with your husband retired peacefully from war.”

She knew-

The next session he struggled, but thirty minutes in he took a deep breath, snatching his hands from Buckys who was in placement of another. 

“I-”

Biting his lip he looked at his best friend, watching the eyes guide him on with what he was going to say. 

The soldier himself went through this, Steve knew, so the fact that he was silent as well gave Steve a sense of control and support. 

“I told myself I was fine.”

The silence was deafening.

“Every time they did something to me I closed my eyes.. And I told myself it was okay.”

“Why was it okay?”

He could accept the loneliness, because chances are if he’s here, everyone else is pardoned

But, it was okay. He knew it was okay, these were his last days.

Without the lights he knew that no one else was locked away in this underground chamber, that he was the only one and it let him attempt to sleep at night. His suffering was saving lives

“Steven, you know that you didn’t deserve anything that happened to you.”

He couldn’t look at Bucky, not after that. His gaze locked on the floor and he tried to control his breathing as he ignored her words.

“You know that Hydra does things like this to hurt others, not because they are doing the right thing by getting back at bad people. They are not the law, they don’t have authority. Especially not over you.”

It was okay.

The hand trailing his finally caught up, holding tightly to his fingers as they shook viciously underneath.

He was done. 

For today.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Stay with me, I need you.”  
> “I’m here, I love you too.”
> 
> They said it was a relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I cried during this chapter. And I fucking wrote it. 
> 
> I didn't expect this part, but I should have; I mean it was me typing ….
> 
> Enjoy, as always, I appreciate you!

Session seven.

“What kind of tests?”

“Everything.”

“Did they try to make an attempt at the serum?”

Biting his lip he shrugged, but the accusation made sense.

“Steve, did you recognize anyone on that raft?”

_“Rise and shine, Rogers.”_

_The familiar voice should have shook him to his core, but the flashing bright lights distracted him and he couldn’t see the face behind his viciously shaking fingers. They protected his eyes from the unfamiliar brightness and as arm hooked around his biceps he let loose a silent shudder of discomfort._

_“We’re getting you some fresh air today, enjoy it because it might be your last.”_

_There was a dark chuckle, but he paid it no mind as he shuffled uncoordinatedly through the halls._

“Steve? Did you recognize anyone on that raft?”

The expression was unreadable.

“Steve? Did you recognize anyone on that raft?”

There was a dark chuckle.

“Steve? Did you recognize anyone on that raft?”  
He turned to Bucky, tears in his eyes as he stared at the man in fear.

“What is it, Stevie?”

He choked on a sob, feeling it bubble in his throat as he realized his mistake.

“I should have told you.”

“Told me what?”

“Who was on that raft. Buck, I should have told you!”

The door slammed open, Tony running in almost out of breath.

“Theres been a fallout, Ross is dead.”

His sobs didn’t stop, the arms around him were too tight and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what he was trying to say. The psychiatrist had left, Bucky tried calming him down, and now the whispering was hard to listen to as he continued to break down.

“Doll, can you take a deep breath?”

It’s okay, everything was fine.

Everything was fine.

“It doesn’t have to be fine, it’s okay to fall apart.”

It was okay,

“So you don’t think he’s really dead?”

“I think he knew he was going to get caught, we have to find out what he’s given them.”

The chest was warm underneath him, the familiar heart beat luring him almost back to sleep.

“You can’t.”

The two went silent, Tony tugging him closer as he continued his plea.

“Can’t what?”

“You can’t go after him, please.”

“What did they do to you, baby..”  
He sounded so distressed, genuinely hurt as if seeing Steve this way shattered his heart.

“I won’t.”

“Stay with me, I need you.”  
“I’m here, I love you too.”

They said it was a relapse.

He did not need to get out of the bed, it was as simple as that. Talking to the therapist was what they wanted, but now he was done and it was time to move on.

Curled on his side he stared out the window, the sky littered in clouds as the door behind him opened.

“Steve? Pal, it’s time to take a bath.”

The body behind him shuffled, standing from the chair as the sheets around him began pulling away.

He was bathed every three days here, it was tiring ever since they made him start walking over by himself. Last time they made him undress himself too, he had not nearly enough energy for that.

Bucky crouched in front of him as the sheets fully disappeared, face holding in a lifetime of sadness as a small smile painted itself across his face to hide it. No words were spoken, metal and flesh sliding under his shoulders to hoist him up to a sitting position. Tony came around next, a new sweater folded protectively in his arms along with a pair of pajama bottoms.

He let himself fall into the soldiers chest as he was lifted, legs wrapped around the sturdy frame as he walked away toward the side bathroom.

The seat was back, progress lost at this point and he let out a heavy sigh once dropped against it. His first attempt at curling against it failed, straps, for the first time, wrapped tightly around his abdomen without warning. The tightness forced tears through his body and down his face as Tony fell to sit on the shell of the tub.

Of course the familiar kiss pressed against his forehead, hair pushed out of his face before the man began to speak.

“I’m sorry for running out of the room during your session. I should have stayed until you asked me to leave.”

It was okay.

He grabbed the hand reaching for the cloth, holding tightly for as long as he could. The morning was so quiet, so spaced out from everyone, and he didn’t want anyone to feel like what happened was their fault.

“Do you want to do it?”

A small hiccup forced himself to respond, shaking his head as his trembling fingers reached around the man’s shoulders.

He wanted to get out.

“Hey, where are you going? Sweetheart-”

Bucky came around, forcing him down causing strings of claustrophobia to run down his skin.

“Steve? What’s the matter?”

Please, get me out.

His chest was so tight, he couldn’t breathe and-

“Easy, baby, hey- Steve!”

Water splashed.

He couldn’t really tell what had happened, but the seat was gone and Tony was in the tub beside him. They were curled in the corner as he bit down on another scream, tucked away in a chest as the water stopped flowing behind them.

“I’m right here, you’re okay.”

“I wanna go home.”

“Okay, we can go home. We can go home, love.”

Please.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Steve.”
> 
> Turn around.
> 
> “Steven Stark.”
> 
> Turn around.
> 
> The bed dipped, a hand pulling his face back and directed. 
> 
> “You know I love you?”
> 
> Tony looked determined as he raised an eyebrow at the silence. 
> 
> “Yes or no?”
> 
> With a nod he let Bucky adjust him from the other side until he was sitting up. 
> 
> “Words.”  
>  “Yes.”
> 
> “Okay, then you have to trust me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ :
> 
> This is the shortest chapter I have ever written in my life, however this is the end of the story that was saved in my drive- I don't know, I probably fell into an anxiety ridden hibernation- however now I will have to find the will to carry this story on with new ideas so PLEASE throw me ideas or anything you think would fit into this story since we are technically all reading this for the first time together. 
> 
> Thanks!  
> I appreciate you so much!

They washed him enough to get the grime away, voices constantly reassuring him of where they were and what they were doing before they finished. After, he got a new sweater, a soft gray, and he curled up around it as he was brought back to his bed. The mattress. It was nothing like a bed, it wasn’t comfortable enough and the quilt over his shoulders was the only warmth he gained from it. 

“It’s time to eat.”

They said he had to eat in order to avoid a tube going back in. Just about a week and a half ago the doctor removed it, once Steve was on better terms with eating. He still had smoothies, but now things were a bit heavier. Turning his gaze he wanted to avoid the bowl, but Tony sat down anyway and he heard the clatter of silverware against the material. 

“Steve.”

Turn around.

“Steven Stark.”

Turn around.

The bed dipped, a hand pulling his face back and directed. 

“You know I love you?”

Tony looked determined as he raised an eyebrow at the silence. 

“Yes or no?”

With a nod he let Bucky adjust him from the other side until he was sitting up. 

“Words.”  
“Yes.”

“Okay, then you have to trust me.”

He does trust Tony, of course he does. 

“Here.”

The bowl in his lap was filled halfway with oatmeal, the spoon forced into his hand as he let out a sigh. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, you have every right to the way you feel, Sweetheart.”

He was brushing through Steve’s hair softly, getting through the tangles with a comb as the first bite was taken. It sat heavy in his stomach, but he pushed through it until most of the food was gone.

“You all done?”

Nodding, he handed the bowl back, spoon hidden at the bottom where it slid down the side of the dish.

“Good job, what are we thinking now?”

He looked at Bucky, then at the TV. 

“Wanna finish that movie from the other day?”

Leaning back he reached for the remote, figuring out the buttons before hesitantly turning the technology on. It was still on the same page, paused, and he quickly hit play.

“Alright, lift your arm up.”  
Tony was helping him get on his jacket, sliding his arms through the sleeves as he kept his eyes trained on the door. It was November twelfth, the doctors had agreed he could go home, and now he was finally going back to a recognizable place. He would get to see his team today, breathe in fresh air, see his bedroom- But, he knew he would also have to see the devastation. There were talks of a new Avengers Compound, however, Tony said that he had a cabin hidden up a little higher north since the tower had been sold those years ago.

“Great job, Darling.”  
Looking down he watched the jacket zip, grabbing Tony’s hand and taking a deep breath. 

“So, tell me the plan.”

“Get downstairs, walk out the front door, Happy is waiting in a black Chevy on the right.”

“Do we acknowledge the paps?”

He shook his head, stomach churning at the thought of all the lights flashing around him. 

“And I mean it, you do not stop no matter what, no matter what they say.”

Another breath and he leaned into Tony’s shoulder, nodding and letting go of the grip to wrap his arms around the man’s waist.

“You still good with leaving? We can stay if you need to, theres no rush.”

“I want to go home.”

“Alright, then let's go.”

It took a couple of minutes before they headed to the elevator, Buck was waiting next to it and shot them a smile as he motioned them inside. He told them, as expected, information was leaked and news stations were posted all over the entrance. Happy would move if they needed, but the car would just be followed at that point so choices were limited.

**Author's Note:**

> My Instagram is created around the idea of words we may not use, but are clearly defined in our everyday life. Mutterseelenallein is one of those words; it is German and means "to be utterly and extremely alone and so lonely that no one could ever find you or reach for you; physically or mentally." It is also translated into Mother's soul alone which indicates a severe level of loneliness or to feel so alone that even your mother's soul was not there for you. 
> 
> I thought the title fit for the first chapter very well and if you guys are interested in learning these types of words give my page a peek!  
> It is @trailing_thesun and I post just often enough that you may enjoy it; it is also a photography account!


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